Thoughts surrounding my wedding day.

Thursday, May 21



On November 10th, 2014, I got a call from an aunt I hadn't spoken to in quite some time. I was sitting in my office, doing something on my computer, and I saw her name pop up on my phone. I let it go to voicemail, and proceeded to step outside and call my father, since he never returned the message(s) I left on his birthday a few days earlier. I don't know what prompted me to make that call. Maybe it was seeing Aunt Lois' (an aunt from his side of the family) name and number calling my line; maybe it was the fact that I was already questioning why he never called me back on the evening of the 6th. Whatever the case, it was clearly a call I needed to make. 

His wife answered the phone. That's what I had taken to calling her over the years: his wife. I'd never really consider her my stepmother, and even though she and I had a decent relationship when I was growing up, that relationship dissolved as I matured (for a number of reasons). She asked how I was doing, and I said I was fine and asked what was going on. She asked why I was asking that question, and I told her I found it odd that she was answering my father's line - something that has never happened before, in all the years he ever had a cell phone. She then proceeded to explain how my dad had been sick for the past couple years, hidden it from everyone, and he had quietly passed away earlier that morning. 

That was just over six months ago. Here I am, six months later, still replaying these moments in my head, and I'm finally able to type everything out clearly. I'm finally able to sit back and evaluate my feelings instead of just feeling my feelings. Feelings can be some tricky suckers. When you're starting to come out of a slump, and happiness is about to wash over you because - oh, I don't know... - you just got a new rescue puppy (who, by the way, is believed to have been born around the same time your father passed) who's so loving and playful, and the man you love just poured his heart out and popped the question, that's when feelings start messing with you, and the good stuff gets overshadowed. I was thrilled to be starting a new life with my now husband, but I couldn't stop thinking about how Dad wouldn't be walking me down the aisle and giving me away. Then I couldn't stop thinking about how Kaia, one of my closest friends who passed only a month and five days after him, wouldn't be there either. Don't even get me started on her unborn child. 

Those were my thoughts surrounding my wedding day. I didn't spill all this to anyone, not even the Mr., because I didn't have to, and I wanted everyone to relish in the happiness. He had been there with me through all of this (no matter how much crap I threw his way), and we had already talked about getting hitched without making a big fuss. So, we kept the engagement fairly quiet and brief in comparison* to most marriage engagements these days. There was no lovey-dovey engagement shoot. We didn't send out any save the dates (yet, we're still contemplating a more formal ceremony in the future) - none of that. We just got our moms together, the wonderful women who raised us and his brother, got dressed up, took some photos and said our "I do's" in front of a very nice judge this past Friday.
*I hesitate to use that word because I truly believe comparison is the thief of all joy, but my mental thesaurus can't come up with a better alternative right now.

It was everything I needed it to be right now: stress-free, intimate and full of love - exactly how we want our marriage to be over the years. My Aunt Lois, the same aunt mentioned at the beginning of this story, once said something about her 60+ year marriage that really stuck with me. She said that it wasn't always easy, but when the ups and downs came, they rode the waves together. I can truly say there's nobody I'd rather ride the waves with than my husband.

Thanks for reading.


♥


p.s. In efforts to maintain the Mr.'s low-key profile, I'll just refer to him as J around here.